Here I am a year and five days since I published my last piece. Back in Brazil visiting the Brazilian side of the family on holidays and back writing again. I have been putting off writing this piece for quite some time as we are coming to the more difficult parts of Lorena's journey. I promised Lorena I would continue as I find writing although difficult at times very therapeutic and I hope as I continue writing pieces it will help someone or friends of someone who has lost a child. Again as previously stated there are no right or wrong answers. People handle and deal with things differently. If there was a correct way I would tell you. I can only say what works or has worked for me. Going into the second week of August 2016. Lorena had a great week and seemed to be improving. They removed the line from her belly button which made it less awkward holding her. Lorena at one stage had so many wires hooked up to equipment that we were always afraid when holding her. Afraid that something would come loose but thankfully it didn’t. As Tatiana was discharged from hospital our routine changed a little. We would go to the hospital in the morning and spend the day there. Head home in the evening and then I liked to go in at night just to say hello and good night. The professor who was also looking after Lorena was from Argentina. Tatiana was speaking to him in Spanish in order to ensure we weren’t missing anything. Like doctor C he used to do the rounds. We liked to be there whenever they were doing the rounds so we could get an update. Everything and everybody was pretty upbeat and positive. We were sure Lorena was going to pull through and we began to have thoughts about when we would be bringing her home and what we would do together. Bloods on Friday were good and then on Saturday they were better. This meant Lorena needed less blood products such as blood and platelet transfusions. Blood results was always the first question I had on my mind and asked. The blood results were coming back that good I was beginning to believe and hope we would not have to start Lorena on chemo therapy, as the deadline for this decision was the following Monday. I even had an off the record conversation with one of the staff and they were pretty confident about Lorenas progress. Our Very first Family Photo Tatiana giving Lorena a bottle for the first time Tatiana nursing Lorena while the machines stayed calm Lorena smiling after one of Tatiana’s kisses on the Lips Me Holding Lorena one of my favourites My Favourite one of Lorena and I. She was smiling for me this day Tatiana feeding Lorena Lorena giving me the bugger off Dad look Lorena with her Coldplay Wrist Band Lorena’s lovely hair which I loved I never realised how sick Lorena was. Perhaps I was in denial but I always believed she would be okay and we would be taking her home. In my mind this could not possibly happen my child. It would for some other poor unfortunate person, but not me or us. Lorena was a fighter and we as a family would pull through this together. My mind began to play tricks with me though. One min I was very positive then the next I began to doubt it and think perhaps something awful was going to happen. I would talk to myself in my mind and change it back to a positive saying to myself of course not. Everything will be fine and things appear to be improving. Sunday was then a good day. Bloods were again taken but we wouldn’t get these results until Monday’s deadline. Overall it was a great end to the week. What was a great weekend then began to turn into a disaster. The bloods came back and they were not good. Lorena had to go back on blood products having been off them Saturday. Then the dreaded question was asked and decision had to be made. The recommendation of course was to begin chemotherapy. The first dose to be administered right away. As mentioned previously forms were put in front of us for signing. Our main concern was that Lorena might need something urgently and that it would be delayed awaiting signed authorisation from us. So we voiced our concern to the Team and agreed that if Lorena needed something urgently it would happen and the forms would be signed afterwards. The teams were amazing especially the nurses. We built up a good relationship with everybody. Sometimes I wouldn’t understand 100% what the Professor/ Doctor had said, so the nurse would explain when they left the room. This helped when having to make quick decisions. All of the time Lorena was there the Maternity Hospital were liaising with the haematology department in Crumlin Children’s Hospital. A space became available and it was recommended that Lorena be transferred there. Again we had to adjust and begin to build relationships. We got so used to our routine, the layout of the hospital, the nurses and the doctors. I would have preferred that Lorena stayed in the Maternity hospital for these reasons. But these reasons weren’t good enough nor was what I wanted because it was not me or what I wanted that mattered, Lorena was our priority and all that mattered. So on the 8th of August Lorena was transferred by an organised ambulance. The nurse that looked after Lorena went with her in the ambulance. She assured us she would be okay and that she would be with her all of the way to Crumlin. She also recommended we didn’t follow the ambulance as it can be traumatic for the parents. So we went home and rested for a few hours and thanks to the reassurances from the nurse we were able to relax knowing we would be seeing Lorena that evening. As mentioned above we had to get used to so many changes. The drive over, the location, parking, the layout of the hospital, the new team of people and routine. Some people don’t like change and find it hard to accept change. I was one of those people up until this point. The first evening we went over we couldn’t find our way to the ward. We asked at main reception, walked down the long corridor towards the lifts where we went to the ward. We walked out of the lift and straight ahead. We could see so many babies in small cots in cubicles. I couldn’t get over the amount of sick children there. Some of them newborn and they were being nursed by what I assume was their mothers and by the looks of things they were there to stay for the night. Some of them we’re probably staying for longer then that. Eventually we found where Lorena was. She was in the incubator and seemed okay. None of the team or doctors were around. The nurses however were there. We met the nurse for the first time that does the night shift. She was very nice and she explained to us how Lorena was doing and also what she was doing. Blood samples had to be taken. This was something I found very difficult to handle and I can remember hearing Lorena from outside when they were taking blood samples. It completely broke our hearts knowing it had to be done and there was nothing we could do about it. We would then go back into the room and wait until Lorena was settled before we went home. I didn’t know where to stand, sit or what to be doing. Everything was new and I didn’t like it one bit. Our routine has changed and we hadn’t started the new one yet. We were trying to work out the right times to be there. We didn’t know who the team were, what time they did their rounds or had their discussion or meetings. We had missed the doctor and the team doing their rounds. So later that night one of three nurses asked had we spoken to the doctor or any of the team? We said we hadn’t spoken to anyone yet. We asked what was the best time to meet. A meeting was arranged with the team on the evening of the 9th at 18:00. This was one of the worst moments. I have to be honest I kind of didn’t want to meet the team and was avoiding them because I didn’t want to hear bad news or even go there. I was trying to stay positive. So next evening came (9th). We were brought into a small meeting room which was located at the entrance of the ward Lorena was on. The meeting room was quite small and felt very claustrophobic. At the meeting there was haematologist, professor B, Chief Ward Matron, Tatiana and myself. Each member introduced themselves formally. It was here we were told by the professor (Prof. B) that Lorena was very very ill and that it wasn’t looking great. He explained that they didn’t know the level of functionality of Lorenas liver yet. The future looked grim but they would try, continue to give her blood products, platelets and chemo therapy. Try everything they could to help Lorena. Give it a shot and hope for the best. If Im honest I wanted to give them a smack at the time and although not true, I felt they were giving up on Lorena. I was lost for words, angry, devastated, sad, heartbroken and I could go on. Yet again feeling numerous emotions at the same time. I felt It was here that it began to hit home that perhaps Lorena wouldn’t make it home with us. That I was somewhat in denial and perhaps I needed to prepare myself for the worst. We were left in the meeting room alone. Both of us were in tears. We simply couldn’t believe what we were told and what was happening. Part of me was also angry as I thought and felt at the time that the team had just given up on Lorena. I felt as a parent I could not give up hope or fate in our daughter but on the other hand I also had to consider the worst. But I also knew that the team were trying their best and they cannot be giving false hopes either. After the meeting that evening we went straight home. As we had been in with Lorena before the meeting we couldn’t and didn’t want to be around Lorena with bad vibes and emotions. We were both drained and in a terrible state. Again I was back to square one with my emotions. One min positive and the next negative. All scenarios running through my mind. That night i did my usual ritual. Say a prayer to the saints Padre Pio, Blessed Hose Maria and to the guardian angels. Sometimes I’d fall asleep when praying. I’d wake again and start again. I would do anything to make our Lorena better. The next day the 10th August we went into visit Lorena. My brother and sister came to see Lorena also. The nurse was giving Lorena her chemo and the usual blood products. Tatiana then nursed Lorena for a while. We took some photographs of us all with Lorena. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore at this stage and I broke down. This was my first in front of Lorena. My sister managed to capture this on camera. I thought it was a bit surreal taking photos of this moment but I’m glad they were taken for a number of reasons. The first reason it can be shown here in order to take people to the moment and secondly it’s a reminder of the love we had and continue to have for Lorena. As mentioned previously in other posts Lorena was always calm and settled in Tatiana's arms. This evening wasn’t any different however when we put Lorena back in the incubator my brother thought she looked very sad. I couldn’t see this at the time but when I look back at the picture I can. Lorena seemed to feel unsettled and we hoped that she would settle in okay for the night and she would be better tomorrow. We went home for the evening. That night we went to bed early enough. I did my usual praying and fell asleep half way through leaving my bedside light on. I woke at one stage with my prayers still in my hand and I put them in the beside locker half asleep and then knocked off the light. I went back into a deep cosy sleep. Then all hell broke loose. My phone was ringing, I was in such a deep sleep it gave me a fright. It was circa 3:30 to 4am. It was Crumlin on the phone. They requested we go as quick as possible to the hospital. Lorena had taken a turn for the worse and had a massive bleed. She was now in intensive care and in a serious condition. Tatiana was beside me and asked me what was happening. I then explained while we were hurrying up getting dressed. I called my mam who we agreed would collect on the way. It seemed like a long time crossing the city but we actually got there quite quickly. When we arrived we were brought to a room where we met the doctor who was on call that night. Yet again we had to make a tough quick decision. They had to put a line into Lorenas neck to allow them draw blood samples and administer treatments. There was however a very high risk by doing this. It could be fatal. Tatiana and I looked at each other and we instructed the doctor to do whatever had to be done without delay. The doctor then left the room and were waiting to hear the outcome of the procedure. My heart starting racing at this stage. I couldn’t believe what happened, what was happening and what could potentially happen. We started saying the rosary. We were in there for what felt like a day and night. Then the dreaded knock was on the door and then the doctor entered. She explained to us that the procedure was a success, that they had Lorena now on life support in order to do the work and breathing for her so she could recover from the procedure. We asked when could we see her and she advised us in about 20 mins or so. I had a massive sigh of relieve knowing it was a success. Before we went into see Lorena in the ICU ward we were warned that the sound of the machine would be loud but not to be alarmed as Lorena was comfortable. I can remember this sound very clearly and if I heard it again now it would take me to the moment. At first when we saw her we were shocked. She had numerous tubes sticking out of her and her little body was shaking slightly from the machine as it did the work for her. This was something we became used to. I suppose it’s like anything else. If you live near a church and they ring the church bells you begin to not even notice the sound. You learn, you adapt and you get used to it. We met Niamh who would be looking after Lorena on the first shift on week days and then it would pass to a night nurse. Then at weekends it would change. We didn’t know if we should stay or go home for a sleep and then come back. We were both absolutely exhausted but running on adrenaline. We were afraid to leave in case something might happen or we would get the dreaded call again. It was here we were introduced to Cathal who is an incredible person. He is one of the managers there. He could clearly see we were in a state and we didn’t know what to do. He brought us back to the canteen where we were earlier that morning. He explained what was going on and reassured us that Lorena would be okay and was in good hands if we wanted to go home for a rest. He also mentioned there was a room beside the ICU we could avail of and stay in as long as was needed. He said to go on home get some rest, collect our things and then return to the hospital later. He would organise for the room to be made up and ready. I will never forget the kindness and care Cathal showed to us. Not only on this occasion but throughout our time there. We didn't know until afterwards that Cathal on his break would pop into Lorena's room, sit with her and read her stories if there was no one with her. We went home to try get some rest. This I feel without doubt was one the worst moments for us during Lorena’s life. We were both feeling very very low. I was thinking in my mind that Lorena was now on life support and she was not going to make it. I didn’t expect her to survive. I was in shock over everything that had happened. I was trying to get my head and my thoughts together. We didn’t want to see any doctors or anyone. All we wanted to do was be alone and cry non stop. Then my phone rang, it was the hospital again. I knew it was the number and as soon as i saw it ringing I began to have an instantaneous what I call ‘internal panic attack’, which I will explain further in a future post. I was expecting them to tell me either she was gone or to come quickly to the hospital. It was however Niamh the nurse. She was calling to say the professor was looking to talk or meet with us. I got a little annoyed and I said I didn’t see the point in this currently, that we were hurt enough. I didn’t want to hear anymore negative things or bad news. That I’d had enough and we had heard enough. That we needed time to gather our thoughts and perhaps consider making funeral arrangements etc. The nurse soon brought me around and roughly said, no Tomas I think it would be good for you to come in and meet with him that there maybe something positive we would like to hear. So later in the afternoon we returned to see Lorena. Going in to the see Lorena wasn’t that easy. There was a buzzer at the door which had a camera on it. You had to ring the buzzer and wait until somebody released the hold on the door to let you in. Due to the nature of the ward being ICU and in order to avoid bringing in or passing on infection you were required to scrub your hands and arms thoroughly. There were plastic gowns also which you had to put on you by tying it around your neck and waste. Each child on the ward had their own individual cubicle which had an automatic sliding door that opened and closed by hitting a button. The ward was newly build so everything was new and nice as hospital wards go. You could see into each cubicle as it was surrounded by glass. The curtains would be pulled at night or during the day if you wanted privacy. A member of staff was with Lorena monitoring her at all times. They constantly were looking at readings and noting everything. They would also move, change her and administer any medicines, along with talking to us and answering all our questions. Lorena was getting so many med's and for a baby there was a lot. This broke our hearts and sometimes it was hard to see, however it was what she needed so that was it. We decided to take take Cathal up on his offer so we could be close to Lorena. The room we were staying in was called ‘The Butter Fly Room’. This is a room sponsored by a company. Similar to R McDonald House, which is also on the hospital grounds. The purpose of the room was for families to use so they could be near the ICU ward and their seriously ill children. Another purpose of the room was also for sick children’s last moments and the idea was they would have time privately with their families before they passed away. The room had a TV, en-suite shower and double bed which when finished closed and folded up into the wall. This room was of major importance to us as we could go in and out to see Lorena as often as we wished and at anytime during day and night. That afternoon we discussed and agreed that Lorena should be baptised. We asked Niamh who we needed to speak with and it was here that we met with June, one the chaplains in the hospital. We didn’t know how Lorena would be so we arranged it as soon as possible. Nobody had actually seen Lorena other then my sister in the ICU ward of the national Maternity hospital and with visit restrictions we wondered how this would work. It was here we met Kim the social worker who along with June and the Nurse Niamh were able to organise everything. We asked my sister to be god mother and my best friend P to be Lorena's godfather. We called them both at the last min and requested that they come to the hospital that afternoon in order to prepare for the christening that evening. My parents were also invited. I was excited because Lorena would meet P and my parents for the first time. So that evening around 17:00 Lorena was christened. Lorena was dressed in a beautiful white cardigan and she had a beautiful white blanket over her. Yet again Cathal came up trumps. He organised the christening gown and blanket which was beautiful. P had to get off work early and rushed from his office to get there. My sister also did the same. All six of us were there along with Niamh and June. It felt a bit strange not having a priest conduct the ceremony and not lighting a candle due to health and safety but it was the best we could do at the time and it was very enjoyable and greatly appreciated. Another bitter sweet moment. This I have mentioned in the past and I will explain in a future post. We were both so emotional after Niamh’s call, the baptism and with our meeting ahead with Prof B. I tried to keep my emotions in control around Lorena but I just couldn’t. I was holding and rubbing her hands and feet while the tears ran down my face, then the professor arrived. I could barely look and see him with my eyes covered in tears. He sat us both down and broke the news that there maybe something positive. My eyes lit up still with tears in them. He went on to say that the liver was an organ that is very forgiving and that there is a slight possibility it can repair itself over a long period. There was little but some functionality from Lorena's liver. He did emphasise that Lorena was still very very ill but let’s see. I turned and looked at Tatiana with a smile on my face and then looked at Lorena saying to myself that’s my girl keep fighting. I said to Tati in private I lost faith in my daughters survival twice and I wasn’t going to loose it again. I latched onto any bit of positivity I could. I decided unless a decision had to be made I wasn’t going to absorb bad things. I didn’t know it at the time but this was my coping mechanism and I was back on board the emotional roller coaster again, but on the positive end. On the 15th August 2016 Tatiana’s mother arrived from Brazil. It was hard to get excited about anything but we were so looking forward to seeing her and having her around. It was important for Tatiana also to have someone from her family around. I couldn’t believe she was here. It was her first time on a plane and also out of Brazil. What a fantastic person she is to travel all that journey alone and to be with her daughter and granddaughter. I was excited that she was going to see Lorena most importantly. Other then the Baptism/christening only two people at the time were allowed into see Lorena at any given time. We had pre-arranged with the hospital that Tatiana's mum could go see her. This was on the grounds that she was coming all the way from Brazil. Visits from others were quite strict. That evening after some rest we brought her to Crumlin to see Lorena. I stayed outside due to the rules but I also wanted to give Tatiana, her mam and Lorena some time alone together. I did have one request to Tati though and that was to get photographs of them all together which thankfully she did. I sat out in the car and called my good friend Justyn who is London based for a chat because he was in regular contact to see how Lorena was doing. My sister brought Tatiana's mum to places such as Ardgillan Castle, Newgrange and Skerries over the next few days. This was while we were in hospital. Visits other then parents were still quite restricted at this stage. We both wanted Tatian's mum to have a nice experience and we are very grateful to my sister for doing these things. Lorena seemed to be doing okay over the next few days. She was doing a lot more work by herself. She was breathing by herself without help of the machine, which was great at the time for two reasons. Firstly it gave the impression that she was improving and secondly the noise of the machine was gone. The atmosphere was more chilled and Lorena looked a lot more calm and relaxed. Then came the 17th August. We were scheduled to meet the team to discuss how things were going. I can remember this day clearly. It was quite a dull over cast day. We got there a bit early so we could spend a little time with Lorena first. As soon as we walked in Tatiana turned and said to me she thought Lorena did not look well and that It was the worst she had seen her. Again I was in denial, I said no sure she is probably just having a bad day like us all sometimes. Then in came the head doctor from The National Maternity hospital. I haven’t mentioned him in the past because it was the first time I had seen or met him. He looked after in conjunction with Crumlin Children’s hospital team all of the National Maternity hospital patients that were transferred there. He introduced himself and then asked what our thoughts were on how she was doing. I answered she is doing okay. Slow progress but doing okay. Tatiana then said with mother’s instinct....I don’t think she is doing well today, she is the worst she has ever looked. Then came the bombshell, you are right. Her health is deteriorating. He explained why and up to this day I cannot remember what he said from that point on. We were told she wouldn’t make it and it was only a matter of time. The treatment or nothing would save her. All I can remember is that I was sitting on a stool swaying from left to right in total shock. I was numb and I asked the doctor if we stopped the treatment how long would Lorena have. He said it could be hours, it could be days, it could be weeks, they didn’t know. I then asked again....so there is definitely nothing we can do? ? Is there a transplant list or anything? He said there is nothing can be done. He apologised for being the barer of bad news and then they left us alone to talk. Both of us were in total shock and numb. We walked out of the ward, headed straight for the car. I had a full packet of cigarettes in my pocket. We both sat in the car and smoked god only knows how many cigarettes. We didn’t know what to do.... Do we call someone now? Do we make arrangements? What the hell do we do? I can remember we just were so shocked and the rain just came out of nowhere and was pelting down. The first thing we did was contact my sister. They were away at the time doing a tour somewhere with Tatiana's mam. I asked that they come to the hospital as soon as possible that it was urgent. I then contacted my other sister, brother and parents and told them the news. Tatiana and I once we received the bad news had yet another decision to make. Without doubt one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make so far in my life. Thankfully Tatiana and I were good communicators and we talked things over and over. As you well know Lorena was getting blood products and platelets. We knew Lorena wasn’t going to get any better. The treatment wasn’t going to save Lorena and in a way the platelets should be put to better use to try save another person or child. We wanted to keep her alive as long as possible but that would be selfish of us to do so. Her health would get worse and she would feel worse. We would only be keeping her alive for our sake not Lorena’s. It was hard to let go but we didn’t want her illness to take her. We wanted her to be able to go whenever she wanted to. So we decided to stop all treatment. The family all arrived together and we all were gathered in the Butterfly room, joined by the Social worker Kim. We had met Kim on two occasions, this was the second time. Kim along with the team had organised for a section of the ward to be cut off for us. Family members were allowed in and out to see Lorena but everyone had to be quiet and needed to scrub up. Tea and sandwiches were brought in and out. People came in at different times throughout the night. In a way this was what we thought would be our last night with Lorena. We talked, we joked, we laughed, we cried, we sang then we talked again. I kept looking at the clock. I wanted the clock to slow completely down and I didn’t want the morning to arrive. We also took it in turns to hold and nurse Lorena. Whenever Tatiana and I spoke or sang her eyes would open slightly. My sister thankfully recorded this. Sometimes I watch but I find it difficult to at times. Once I know it is there and I can watch it that’s what counts. The next morning still no change as I/we were expecting. The nurse was telling us her results, that they were back and how she was doing. At this stage we began to realise there was some confusion. Lorena we expected should be getting worse but that wasn’t the case. We contacted the social worker, with whom my brother and sisters had a chat. We then had a meeting with with her and all the family in the butterfly room. We explained to her our wishes, which was that the treatment be stopped. Our priority was Lorena not us. We didn’t want to keep her alive for us as this would be selfish and she would only get worse. We wanted her to go on her terms not her illnesses. We also wanted the platelets and blood products that Lorena was getting to be used to try save another child or person. All of this was on one condition that she didn’t suffer or feel any pain or discomfort. This was to be top priority. The team didn’t pick up on our decision or choice but I didnt mind at the time nor do I mind now was we got to spend more important time won’t Lorena. Vital time as Lorena got to sit and bond with our extended family, close friends and godparents. The social worker asked all the family to leave the room to speak with both of us in private. She had to be sure that the decision was ours and nobody else’s. Or that it was influenced by no one else. We confirmed that to her and then a meeting was arranged with the head consultant in charge. He then came to the butterfly room where we were all together again. We confirmed our decision to him and again emphasised we did not want Lorena to suffer any pain or feel any discomfort. We asked could he guarantee this? He said he could and would. We then asked once the treatment stops how long would Lorena last? He couldn’t put a definitive time frame but said between 12 to 24 hours. He said he would come back to us later with more details. In the afternoon we were sitting with Lorena treatment hadn’t stopped yet. We needed to agree a time and make arrangements. The 18th of August was one of biggest bitter sweet days ever. Bitter part was that Lorena was going to leave us and the sweet part was the moments and the things we spent and did together that day. Grainne Hope an incredible person from Kids Classics, which is a non profit organisation came to visit. They are an incredible organisation Who visit Crumlin hospital to play live music for sick children. Especially children that are in isolation and who cannot leave their room or ward and who have to listen to the constant noises and beeps of machines. Grainne and her fellow musicians play live music and have agreement with the hospital not only that they play music but also that machines can be muted whilst doing so. They came and played nursery rhymes in a classical fashion for Lorena. A beautiful moment that we had with Lorena and all the family. I'm so happy Lorena got to hear live music and we are forever grateful to Grainne and her fellow musicians for what they did for us. Another moment I didnt want to end. The social worker came back to us. She told us about a contact of the hospitals that take the moulds of both hands plus feet and asked if we would like to have them done. Thankfully we decided yes we would like them but we wanted to do the moulds ourselves. My sisters friend Jenny also very kindly got us a set to take Moulds so we did both with help from the nurses. Again this was a surreal experience and bittersweet. It was nice to do them and Iooking back now we are so happy we did as Lorenas prints are in our Kitchen right beside the table. A symbol that Lorena will always have her place in our family and at the table. The social worker also explained what the Butterfly room was originally setup and built for. Our dream even before Lorena was born was to have our child lying in between us both while we slept. As you know this was never possible up to this point due to Lorena being connected to so many machines, Equipment and medical devices. She suggested we use the room for what it was setup for and fulfil our dream. It would also give us some privacy with Lorena on her last few hours and moments. So that was it. The treatment would stop that night. All machines would be disconnected, along with the various cables except one, which was the morphine. Lorena would be the very first butterfly to fall asleep there. So later that evening we called Fr D Roche who is a very close family friend and was also a teacher of mine in the Gaeltacht. He was called at the last min as we couldn’t get the Chaplin at such short notice. I wanted Lorena to have the last rights, which for those of you who don’t know are prayers and a blessing of ointment in the catholic faith for people who won’t make it and is usually conducted at peoples last moments where possible. Thankfully Fr. Roche came and Lorena had the last rights with just Tatiana, myself, the nurse and Lorena in the room. Our family and friends were then brought in to say goodbye. Tatiana and I waited outside to give everyone their own moment with Lorena. We then went back into the room on our own. We hugged and kissed Lorena as much as we could and talked to her. As soon as they would stop the machines I don’t know but I thought she might pass straight away so I was talking to her as if it was my last chance also. This I found very very difficult I didn’t want to let her go knowing I had to at some stage. I then took a step back and let Tatiana say her goodbye. After we spoke with Lorena we went back to the butterfly room. The consultant and team were bringing her to us. Our family and friends sat in the room next to us. They took it in turns but they stayed all night. Lorena was brought to us. We put her in the middle of the bed and she lay in between us. Another bitter sweet moment. It was beautiful having her in between us. No wires, no sounds, no machines. Just us breathing. I can remember constantly kissing her on the head and rubbing her hair. I loved her hair so much. It was also a pathetic situation. I was scared I never had seen or watched anyone pass before and I never expected I would be watching my own daughter either. I felt absolutely useless. I couldn’t do anything to save or help my family. I can remember at one particular time Lorena opening her eyes and looking straight at us. Both Tatiana and I were looking at her also. She was such a beautiful baby. Part of me wanted her to go quickly but the other part of me wanted her to stay as long as possible so I could treasure every moment and millisecond of time with her. The three of us ended up falling asleep. Cathal told me he walked in to check on us throughout the night and the three of us were fast asleep. He said we all looked so natural. Like a typical family at home sleeping during the night. It was beautiful to know and to hear this. We had at least reached our one goal. We tried to make the butterfly room ours as much as possible. Total privacy for just the three of us and our little family. The next morning we woke. Lorena was still breathing but felt a lot colder. Tatiana's mum was outside in the room next door to us with the rest of the family and our close friend P (Lorenas godfather) and she asked for permission to come into see us. We said yes of course she could. I was lying to Lorena's right and Tatiana’s mum was to her left. Tatiana left the room for a min. While Tatiana was out of the room her Mum said something to Lorena in Portuguese, which I didn’t understand. She then turned to me afterwards and said in English you need to give her permission to go. I said to Lorena we loved her very very much, we were, are and always will be proud to be your parents. I then said we would be okay and to go to god. Not that it matters but people won’t believe me when I say this but it is true. Lorena took her last breath and fell asleep. Off she went to god.
1 Comment
Tatiana and I are very lucky in the sense that we talk to each other about everything. Talking and communicating to one another is key. Both of us are going through the same pain and understand what it’s like. So the first thing we did was talk and counsel each other. We came to the conclusion that we needed to grieve for the daughter we were expecting to have before accepting and getting behind our daughter. We sat in a room for a whole day talking, grieving and discussing. The following morning Tatiana sat up on the bed took a look at me and said “right enough of this, that is our daughter in there. She is part of you and part of me and she is fighting for her life and we need to get behind her”. It was at this time things took a turning point for the better and resulted in acceptance with open arms. Tatiana and I also agreed that we would both leave our emotion outside the door. All we would give Lorena was love, care and joy. We would do our best for our beautiful little daughter that we fell so in Love with. Whatever challenges lay ahead all three of us we were united as a family. We would do our best, fight our hardest and get through it together. So in we went to visit our little one. Tatiana couldn’t walk that far so I used to bring her to the ICU by wheelchair. The room we were in was right beside the ICU entrance and ward. We had to scrub up and use alcohol/hand sanitiser to clean our hands in order to ensure we didn’t carry any infection. Lorena was in the incubator. We could however open the flap doors, touch and talk to her. Here is our first visit after our discussion and grieving moment. Doctor C and her team popped around for a visit and to explain what is going on and what they were currently doing. Lorena was getting a lot of blood products which included Plasma/Platelets. They would take a blood sample every evening and it would go off to the lab for analysis. They were immediately taken back by our actions and positive attitude. Some other parents when they get unexpected news like ours unfortunately find it difficult to accept and it takes a while. Some people unfortunately can never accept it. People handle/cope with things differently. Unfortunately there is no right or wrong way because if there was and I knew it I would share. Without sounding like Tim Ferris, thankfully for us we were able to do this in a day. This brings me on to the next point valuable time. As a result of our attitude time was not waisted. As mentioned previously we kept our emotions outside the door. The only emotion permitted entry was Love. The love we both had and wanted to give Lorena. We were also fortunate enough to get many photographs and videos. Both of which we treasure and guard everyday. We had a routine. We would get up in the morning, have breakfast, quick shower then go and see Lorena for a few hours. We always had both of our phones. We wanted to make sure we got as many photos and videos of Lorena and us together. This was also very important for both our families in Ireland and Brazil as they are far away and the Irish side of the family were not permitted access to the ICU. Once photos, videos and cuddles were completed we would put Lorena back in the incubator for her afternoon nap. We would make our way back to the room for lunch and would then return late afternoon until the evening time. We used to take turns holding her and nursing her. Lorena was hooked up to a lot of equipment. The machines would beep and alarms would go off from time to time. As we didn’t know what half the stuff or beeps were for, we found it quite frightened at first. But we became accustomed to the noises over time. Noises that have stuck in our minds and would take us right there to the memories if heard now. My first real feeling of internal panic attacks was when these alarms would go off and I was holding Lorena but the nurse would reassure me everything was okay and then undo everything. One of the main things that sticks to my mind was when Tatiana was nursing her. Whenever Lorena was being held by her mother the alarms and noise of machines were never heard. As mentioned previously Lorena was always calm in her mother’s arms. In fact whenever we handed her back to the nurse to be put back in the incubator the beeps and alarms would go crazy again. She was never happy when handed back to the nurse. Don’t get me wrong the nurses and staff were all incredible and they took really good care of Lorena. Night time would then come and I would pop into see her before going to sleep. When I look back at this I now can call it as being Daddy and daughter time. Sometimes i would open the side flap of the incubator stick my head in for a chat. Maybe sing her a song from my amazing entertaining voice NOT!!!!!! Hahahaha. Or sometimes I would fix her Soother or as I and some others call a Dodie. She loved sucking on her Dodie which unfortunately was a little too big so I had to hold it with my finger. Sometimes I would let go to see how long she could manage to hold it. I used to say to her “Ah Lorena come on....hold onto the Dodie”. Even managed to get it on video once (posted below). They changed her Dodie daily so whenever they did I would keep it. Thankfully I managed to keep one of them which we still have today. I also used to joke around with her. One night in particular they had the bulb on in the incubator and they had special goggles over Lorena’s eyes. I used to love this as it looked all cosy and warm. This one night I came in and said to Lorena in front of the nurse “Ah Lorena for god sake...what did I tell you about doing sunbeds”. The nurse was cracking up with laughter while filling in a chart belonging to the other child who was in the same room. Even when Tatiana got discharged from the maternity hospital I used to drive in at night to see her. Little did I know how much I would value these moments. Valuable moments that could have been lost arguing. Do not argue over what you think is or isn’t best for your child. Arguing wastes valuable time you could be spending with your child and can prevent you making very important decisions for your child’s wellbeing. People cope and deal with things differently however this is what worked for us. So If I were to give advice to someone who is in our shoes and were hit with big shocks such as ours in summary it would be as follows:
The birth of Lorena was one of the most pleasurable, emotional and beautiful moments we have had so far in our lives. At the moment I don't think anything can beat this feeling. We were so happy to have Lorena with us. I couldn't wait to see her again. Tatiana was being moved to a ward. Unbelievably she was active after only having a cesarean section. While she was being settled into the ward I went to the Unit to visit our bundle of joy. This was at 10:59am. It felt like 22:59 as neither of us had slept all night. Yet again my heart melted. I just wanted to hold her so much. I noticed how delegate she was. She looked pretty chilled out. Had a marvellous head of dark hair. One part which I love as I used to play with her hair quite a lot, especially when Tatiana was nursing her and a natural at this I might add. I just stood there staring into the Incubator in disbelief. I couldn't believe that this beautiful, cute, delicate little person was ours. Our daughter, my daughter, your daughter....all of them phrases sounded so good in my inner voice to myself. I must have spent I'd say a good 15-20 mins with her. I now look at this as some Daddy daughter time that was spent. I also was fortunate enough to get a photo. Once finished I went back to the ward to see how Tatiana was doing. When I arrived back I noticed the midwife was packing up Tatiana's things. I asked what was happening she said "oh we are are moving you to a more quieter place/room. Right at that moment I had a feeling something was up. But then I said to myself don't be daft everything is grand. Baby is here, Tatiana is here and both are fine. Sure you've just seen Lorena and you are now with Tatiana and it's a great day....stop being so daft Tomas...my inner voice said. We were brought to a private room. Tatiana was lying down. I was sitting in an armchair which was to her right hand side. The midwife was sitting at the end of the bed. The midwife I might add was a lovely kind, gentle and smiley person. She was very soft spoken. When I asked the midwife what was going on. She said we're just waiting on the doctor. I smiled at Tatiana, she smiled at me. We didn't have a clue what was about to happen. In came Doctor C. She sat on Tatiana's left hand side so she could have eye contact with both of us. Doctor C first started by congratulating us on our new arrival. She then said however your daughter we believe is down syndrome and we also think she may have Transient Abnormal Myelopoiesis otherwise known as TAM which basically is a transient form of Leukaemia. Children who have constitutional trisomy 21 or Down syndrome have a unique predisposition to develop myeloid leukaemia of Down syndrome. The disorder is preceded by a transient neonatal preleukaemic syndrome which is transient abnormal myelopoiesis. We were informed that in 90% of cases the TAM goes away. At this stage we don't know how or where on the scale your daughter is Doctor C said. I grabbed hold of Tatiana's hands , kissed them and said to her (while staring into her shocked eyes) whatever it is we will get through this together. I was clearly in shock I did not understand what was said about the TAM. Don't forget all our scans, blood tests came up clear so this was a compete shock. Not only did we have to absorb the Down Syndrome element but we also had to deal with the TAM issue. Most of the things Doctor C said I could remember but it didn't make any sense. This yet again was another opposite of the spectrum moment. The day started off with joy and celebration that Lorena was born and then turned into shock and misery. The only thing about TAM I knew or even heard of was the Brazilian Airline TAM. A logo and sign that I began to take a dislike to. Seeing it as a constant reminder. That day I called my sister, I didn't tell her anything over the phone I just requested that she come to the hospital as soon as possible. She arrived within the hour. She came to the private room we were in along with her fiancé. I don't know what I wanted her to do. Tatiana and I were both in complete shock. I just felt I needed to have someone around for us, a form of solidarity. Perhaps my sister would make everything okay. Maybe wave a magic wand and make everything okay. Unfortunately something that wouldn't be possible. She did however do the best that she possibly could. When we told her Lorena had Down's syndrome her response was "so what....it's not the end of the world. I have worked with Down syndrome children before and they are amazing". We also mentioned the other complications at the time but as we didn't quite know what TAM was along with the the shock on top of that we couldn't really explain. We hadn't slept at all either so our energy levels were running low. My sister did say at the time though "whatever it is we will get through it together". Her boyfriend also said the same and was great support. My brother rushed to us as quick as he could. He was absolutely incredible. Again when I told him the most I knew his response was incredible. The words he spoke and some of the statements he made I can remember till this day and I'll take to my grave. Extremely supportive and encouraging. He spoke about special needs. About his amazing son who has special needs. The love and heartache of watching him go through what he goes through. That although he has what he has he is an amazing little man and character. He didn't ask for the disability and neither did Lorena. It's not their fault. We are their parents and we need to support them no matter what. If I'm truly honest it was hard to listen to at the time but everything he said was 100% spot on. I was still shocked, upset, tired and in disbelief that this happened us. What the F did we do to deserve this? Why us? What not some other asshole? A person that does bad things in the world? Again my brother would continue to answer these questions with the same answer(s). Lorena didn't ask to be born. Lorena didn't do anything wrong. All Lorena wants is to be loved. Again my brother was 100% and I will explain this further on. He also said that Down syndrome kids are always happy and will bring you nothing but love and happiness. Like my sister my brothers support was incredible. He was moving between jobs at the time and it was like it was meant to be. Him and my sister would take it in turns coming in and out with hot meals. They would spend most of the day and evening with us whenever they came in. All this time they never got into see Lorena as she was in the ICU unit. I went home in the afternoon to try and get some sleep. I went up to sleep but was twisting and turning. Although I was exhausted I was in deep shock and disbelief. I wanted to go to sleep, wake up and it would all be just a bad dream and everything was fine. I was feeling very agitated and angry that this happened us. I also didn't know where or what I should be doing. Tatiana was in the Maternity hospital on her own. All I wanted to be was by her side. I didn't know anything else. I questioned myself how are we going to cope with this? Will I be able to manage? Will this put a strain on our relationship? All of these questions were answered through this whole bittersweet experience. The old me in that room that day was a completely different and inexperienced person, someone who I want to reach out to today and encourage them to press forward and never give up. The old me that day thought he was a man. Had good experience and enough to get by. I can easily say looking back that he had none of those traits. He did however have a big heart and had a lot of love to give. Before I went back into the hospital my phone rang. It was my cousin on the phone. My Mam had reached out to him as he himself not only has a beautiful child with down-syndrome but he actually suffered the loss of his beautiful little daughter Clara RIP xxxxxx. Little did I know at the time we would have something very much in common. Like with my brother the words he spoke and the things he said I can still remember up to this very day. The feelings I was having and the questions I was asking were the very same questions that he himself asked. Reassurance that the things I was feeling and the questions I was asking were quite normal helped me a lot. I am forever grateful to Sean for making that phone call that day. It has not and will never be forgotten. In fact I want to be the person making that call and to help that person on the other end of the phone. Never give up, never give up, never give up I will be saying. That night I slept in the armchair beside Tatiana. I didn't want to leave her side. Messages of congratulations were coming in fast. So many in such a short space of time it was a job in itself responding. All nice messages and well wishes. Messages at the time I just could not respond to as I was still in shock and had to absorb/process the news. Yet again another opposite of the spectrum moment. Part of me was glad that our daughter had arrived and yet the other part of me just devastated with the news we were given. The why questions started entering my mind. Messages of congratulations looking back now we’re very thoughtful and kind but at the time I felt some were taking the complete P*** probably after hearing the devastating news we were given, but I know deep down it was certainly not the case. I am forever grateful to these people for their very kind messages. I was in complete and utter shock at the time and I don’t apologise for feeling this because it is a natural reaction when absorbing such a shock. That night along with most nights were very tough and were both mentally and emotionally challenging. During the day and night we could hear babies crying and see babies being changed in the changing area. Its a communal area where fathers can take their babies to nurse and change them. The idea is to let mums sleep and have a break. It’s such a beautiful thing to see however my heart inside was crushed. Unlike the fathers I saw, I couldn’t change my daughters nappy, hold her, nurse her and they could. Again I wanted to just sleep and wake up the next day and it was all just a bad dream. It also broke my heart that Tatiana couldn’t hold Lorena and nurse her like the other parents we could hear and see. What were we going to do? What will happen next? How were we going to deal with this?.........
The 29th July it was Luciana's birthday. A day I will never forget because it was the last night and photograph we had of Tatiana and Lorena in Mammy's tummy along with the rest of the guys. Part of me hoped Lorena would be born around the same time as Luciana so Lorena could share the same star sign. But as mentioned previously the due date wasn't until 28th August. We ended up having a bit of cake and a few beers. Tatiana sampled some of the lovely brazilian dessert but then went to bed early enough as she was tired. That night I had a few drinks with the guys. As per most of our conversations at the time we were talking about fatherhood and the excitement of becoming a father along with the nerves. I was nervous about becoming a dad and i always asked myself two things. Will I love this child? Will I be a good father? People I spoke to advised me of course you will and it will come naturally. It's moments like these I realise why I was called Tomas, Thomas or Tom, after the doubting Thomas. No matter how many times and by whom I was told, I still questioned and doubted. Sometimes not a bad thing to have but other times can be a right pain in the ass. Notwithstanding this though I was excited about meeting our little Lorena. Both of us where very much so. Not for one second did I worry about the baby as I assumed everything would be okay with baby as the scans etc turned up okay. I worried more about Tatiana and what way the pregnancy and delivery would go. The following afternoon I headed off for the day to visit my parents and to go through some of my old things as Dad was doing a clear out of old documents, mine where included in this so I had to go through it and save what was important and thrash what wasn't. It took most of the day and evening to go through. I was on the phone to Tatiana a few times just to check in on her and she was fine. Just before I left my parents place the phone rang. It was Tatiana to advise me that she felt a little contraction. As mentioned in our antenatal class we would experience Braxton Hicks Contractions. These are contractions that are also known as prodromal labor or practice contractions, or false labor. These contractions are sporadic uterine contractions that sometimes start around six weeks into a pregnancy caused by a tightening of the uterine muscles for one to two minutes and are thought to be an aid to the body in its preparation. however, they are not usually felt until the second or third trimester of pregnancy. When I got home Tatiana was in bed relaxing. I put some pizza in the oven and I sat chatting to my housemates at the time. I had a few beers with them. We talked about fatherhood, what I was nervous about, what I was excited about. I can remember feeling the excitement and nervousness at the same time, opposites of the spectrum. A feeling which I have grown to become very familiar with during our grieving journey. Something I will cover at a later stage. The discussion went on until circa 1am when I went to bed. An hour later approx 2am Tatiana began to have more contractions. This time they were becoming closer. As mentioned previously the antenatal classes and the importance of attending them kicked in so I began to take note of the time between the contractions. At first the contractions where 15 mins apart, then 11mins then a pattern of 5, 6, 8, 5, 6, 8 then 7mins and finally 5 mins at 3:32am. In class we were advised if contractions are 5 mins apart then to go straight in. So it was at this stage we grabbed Tatiana's hospital bag and left for the maternity hospital. I can remember Tatiana saying the contractions and aftermath were instantaneous. One min she would be fine then the next hunched down holding on to the nearest thing possible. When we made it to the car I sped off down the road. Thankfully for most of the journey there was no one around. I remember at one stage being stuck at a set of traffic lights for ages so I checked if it was clear and I broke the lights. I pulled up to the hospital entrance and the front door was locked. I noticed a buzzer on the side entrance door so I hit the button and the security guy buzzed us in. I left Tatiana at reception while I moved the car to the nearest parking space available. As it was a Sunday morning parking was free so it eased the burden having to worry about keeping parking tickets valid. When I got back we were directed to the third floor where we were met by a midwife. We were brought into a room and then the midwife checked over Tatiana and asked what felt like a million questions but they were only a few. Plus there was an error with the computer and they couldn't find our file on record. Meanwhile Tatiana was having contractions and they were becoming more intense. The midwife kept telling Tatiana to practice her breathing exercises while trying to get the computer working. The midwife couldn't understand why the contractions were happening so the decision was made to admit Tatiana. We were brought to the delivery ward and were met by a doctor who was herself pregnant. Tatiana was hooked up to numerous monitors. Some of them until this day I don't know what they are for. One I can remember was for Tatiana and Lorena's heart. The contractions kept coming and where a lot more intense. Tatiana practiced her breathing exercises yet again. The doctors would check every so often the cervix to see if it shortened or dilated which is the norm during labour but it didn't and they couldn't understand why. They also kept checking Tatiana's blood to see her playlet count. Her count was dropping low and then would rise. Back again the doctor came to check the cervix for shortening or dilation but nothing changed. The decision was made by the team to induce the labour which helps get labour started. The doctor I can remember saying at the time "this baby is coming out today". I couldn't believe it, part of me was excited and the other part of me was worried about Lorena/Tatiana and that they were doing okay. Tatiana's platelet count was also alarming as this would determine the type of labour and the type of anaesthetic be it local or general in the event that an emergency C Section had to be completed. Back came the doctor again this was to check the cervix again for dilation or shortening. There was a little movement however the doctor found that Lorena was beginning to eat Meconium which isn't a good sign. As soon as this was spotted the decision was made to do an emergency C Section however Tatiana's platelet count was still low. So they took one last blood sample to check the count. If the results were better then before I could be by Tatiana's side if not then I would be left outside the theatre. So at approx 8:10am we were on our way to the theatre. I grabbed Tatiana's things and was told i couldn't go inside as she was going under general. I escorted her as far as I could, which was in a kind of hall way just outside the entrance the theatre. We both got emotional. I told Tatiana I loved her and I would be by her side as quick as I could. My eyes where all watered up. So I was out in a waiting room. While waiting anxiously in the room a midwife entered the room and instructed me to put on a surgical gown and hat. I was going into theatre. Such an awesome and scary feeling at the same time. Remember what I spoke about feeling opposites of the spectrum at the exact same time. I was worried about both of my girls, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy the experience and take it all in, excited is putting it mildly. So in I went to the theatre. I was put sitting on a stool on Tati's right hand side. I was holding her hand and we were chatting away. Tatiana kept asking was Lorena okay was Lorena okay. She never asked once about herself. While we were talking the radio was on in the back ground and the sun was beaming in the window, it was an absolutely stunning morning. The doctor and midwifes had a screen up so we couldn't see what was happening. Then at 8:32 our little bundle of joy had arrived. The doctor lifted her up to show us. Tatiana unfortunately couldn't see as her head was below the screen. All she asked was Lorena okay. My adrenaline was racing. It was an incredible feeling. Our hearts melted instantly. Then when they got her all scrubbed up we managed to have her for a cuddle and I got to capture Mamê giving Lorena her first kiss. All that worry and all the questions I asked myself. Questions such as 1) Will I be a good father? 2) Will I love this child? 3) Will we have an connection. As soon as Lorena was born questions Two and Three we're answered instantaneously. To know that she was finally here, she was alive and she was breathing was so joyful and loving. All parents will tell you the same. Lorena had already began to make her mark. When cuddles were completed I was led back out of the theatre into the waiting room. I messaged both of our families and called my parents. I broke down crying on the phone I was so happy and relieved that both my girls were okay and here. A beautiful wonderful moment that will never be forgotten. Thank you for the memories Tatiana and Lorena xxxxxx Te amo xxxxxxx
An appointment was made with our GP to have a check up and scan. The doctor took Tati's blood pressure and scan was done with a handheld device not the one that shows the image etc. Nothing could be picked up as it was too early into the pregnancy. We were a little disappointed as we hoped to hear a heart beat or some movement. The doctor informed me not to worry that it was too early. It was here the doctor gave us our options as in what maternity hospitals we could choose from. We decided to go with the National Maternity Hospital as it was close to where I work and would be more suitable for attending appointments and antenatal classes. I went onto the website and registered the pregnancy however for some unknown reason it didn't register. I also tried the phone line but couldn't get through. During this time there was a lot of talk in the media about the Zika virus. This was beginning to freak me out as you know we were in Brazil. So after a discussion with Tatiana and close family I called the Maternity hospital. I informed them we were in Brazil on holidays, that I registered the pregnancy on their website, heard nothing back and I was growing concerned about the Zika virus. After speaking with the chief mid wife an appointment was made for the following day 29th January 2016 at 3pm. This was three days before my birthday. For my birthday gift all I wanted was to know that Tatiana and baby were okay. Little did I know that the same time (my birthday) a year later I'd be working on my blog writing about our loss and how we are coping with it. Goes to show how precious time is because good or bad you don't know when things can change. But it always doesn't have to be a negative change either, something I will cover at a later stage on my blog. On arrival we had to check in at the reception area where you are normally given a welcome pack. We didn't get one as we weren't registered online or over the phone. This was due to a technical failure on their website. The midwife before our appointment put us on the system. The welcome pack contains leaflets on how to take care of yourself during pregnancy and good tips on diet, exercise, what's your partner/husbands role and how they can assist. I can recall reading one of these leaflets with Tati. One part of it referred to giving regular massages on the feet and back. I pointed this out on the leaflet to Tatiana and we both had a giggle. Tatiana said she wanted this every night 😂😂😂. The amount of people in the waiting room to see the mid wife was unreal. A lot of them looked unhappy, uncomfortable, frightened as it was probably their first time of appointment. Some were eating boiled eggs and sandwiches in an eating area as some of the ladies have to fast before their appointments. Bless them, it's hard enough being pregnant without having to fast. The only one smiling I could see was Tatiana. She was so happy and so happy to be pregnant. The only thing she wasn't happy about was that her baby bump was small in comparison to the rest. I reassured her while holding her hand that this will come in time. After seeing the midwife we were brought into a waiting room were Tatiana's bloods were taken. It was here I got speaking to a very pleasant lady in the waiting room who was herself pregnant. She asked was it our first or second. I told her it was our first. She said she was expecting her third child. She had her first in the Coombe and wasn't happy with the treatment. She then had her second child in the National Maternity hospital and she said that they were fantastic and really looked after her very well hence why she was back for this pregnancy. I am sure the level of care in other maternity hospitals is good but this gave me a lot of comfort none the less and enabled me to not worry so much and leave things in the care of the professionals. Three blood samples were given. The first to check the blood sugar levels as they need to check for diabetes during pregnancy. The other two were for Zika virus. It took two weeks to get the results back. My head was completely melted with worry at the time although I hid it from Tati. I was talking to my work colleague Mark who was trying to comfort and reassure me everything would be alright. Marks wife gave birth twice so he is speaking from experience. However it didn't matter who I spoke to I was still worried but kept looking for reassurances from people. A very strange way to act but I've grown to learn it is a quite common thing to do or way to react when in worry or need. It's not all bad however because the same day the bloods were taken we also had a scan. We weren't meant to have a scan this early however taking into account we were in Brazil and the Zika test that was carried out we were having one. The first scan we had was the first time I heard Lorena's heart beat. I looked at Tati and she looked at me. The tears of happiness were running down my face. I was so proud of both Tatiana and our little peanut as we called her at the time. It was too early to know if it was a boy or a girl at this stage. From the outset we were convinced it was a boy, but couldn't decide on a boys name. The girls name Lorena was an easy choice and a name we both fell in Love with as I could visualise calling her name out loud and to come in for her dinner after playing outside with her friends. Funny way of thinking I suppose. I can remember exactly the moment we both agreed and finalised on a girls name of it was a girl. This was on a beach part of the Island I mentioned before in Brazil called Ilha Bela. Tatiana as usual couldn't keep the smile and happiness off her face. This moment captured in the picture below February came my birthday. This was a long period for me as I just couldn't be relaxed until we got the Zika test results back. Tatiana being her usual self held her nerve and managed to organise a surprise birthday party in the house for me. She was very busy while all this was going on organising the party along with family and housemates. We went to do the grocery shopping as normal. Our housemate Mariana came with us as she had some stuff to do. While we were at the supermarket everyone else spent their time putting bunton/birthday posters and decorations up. We spent roughly about 40 mins in the supermarket. When we got home Tatiana and Mariana walked on ahead into the house. I unloaded the car putting the groceries just inside the front door, locked the car then the front door. I then picked up the groceries and headed for the kitchen. When I opened the kitchen door all I could hear was this orchestrated noise "surprise"......well I nearly dropped. I looked around the kitchen and could see everyone there which included my siblings, housemates, close friends, my cousin John and his Fiancé Lupita who is an absolute dote. I have never had a surprise party in my life and it was an amazing experience although some people with heart trouble might disagree 😂. It was here that Tatiana and I had a surprise also. We told everyone our wonderful news that we were expecting a baby. This added to the celebration. It's was a great night altogether. I'm forever grateful to everyone for pulling it together especially my darling dear Tatiana x We then got a call on 9th February from the maternity hospital to come in. I was absolutely crapping myself as I thought it was something to do with the results. It was about the results however it was nothing to do with Zika. The Zika results wouldn't be back for about two weeks. The hospital were concerned because Tati's platelet count was low. For some reason this was never picked up when we had our first appointment. Nothing was mentioned in the doctors referral letter or medical history. This is something I must advise that is important to ensure. If your partner has any medical conditions and complications make sure that the maternity hospital are aware of this and that all medical history that has been passed on by your GP is accurate and up to date. This saves a lot of time for the hospital as it enables them to plan the pregnancy and have the correct team in place hence ensuring you have the best of care. Thankfully this was something we were already aware of that was being closely monitored in the Mater Hospital and was okay. This was the first time we met the haematologist Jacinta. A lovely person who originates from Mayo. She had a lot of questions about medical history etc. Questions that needed to be asked but questions that made us feel concerned, however it was nothing to be concerned about as the reason they were asking the questions was to make sure they had full medical history in order to have the correct plan and team in place. I really wanted a boy because if I had a girl I would be too protective, I wouldn't be comfortable talking about girls problems etc in the future and I wanted to continue the family name. Tati and I discussed how protective I would be. Two things came to mind. Clothes that she would be wearing going out and dating guys. These are two things I think that always play on a fathers mind 🙈🙈🙈....bless the poor child they wouldn't have a life 😂😂😂😂. Tati said these are natural things to feel about a daughter however you must let the child have a life and be reasonable. We must give them the best opportunity and try bring them up to be independent and open minded without letting them go wild. Rear them in a way that they can make their own decisions. I agreed however my one and only condition if it was a girl that she took up martial arts and learned to protect herself from day one. And if it was a boy......I realise in my subconsciousness I was being slightly sexist...something I'm not proud of...but I never visualised kicking football in the back garden with my daughter I always pictured doing this with my son. Going on dates and the clothes being worn out would not have been an issue either. A terrible way to look at it I know but I can guarantee you I now think differently. This will be explained later in a future post. Two weeks later and we were back at the maternity hospital for the results, more blood tests and another scan. I would be lying to you if I said I was relaxed. I wasn't, I was a nervous wreck. I wanted the Zika test results first ahead of everything even the scan as it was the only thing on my mind. More bloods were given and then we had to wait to see the doctor. Tatiana was completely relaxed. It was me who was the nervous one. So into the doctor we went, who informed us the the bloods came back all clear and no presence of Zika however the doctor did say that the whole Zika issue was new to them and at the present moment no one knew how to tackle or deal with it which was concerning. It would be expected that procedures would change when they knew more about the issue and when they received further instruction from the Health Services Executive (HSE) which is the Government body responsible for health services in the Republic of Ireland. Again the scan was incredible. At this stage it still could not be determined if it was a boy or a girl. Lorena was being stubborn this day as she was turned and wouldn't change position for us so we didn't see as much as we would have liked. We could however hear a heartbeat which was all I really wanted to hear. This is a sound that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Everything was fine and the babies organs over the next few weeks would begin to form. We were only due back at the hospital once every two months up until the final trimester. How could I be mad with our little peanut? The poor child was busy growing and was tired. I didn't really care once we heard a heart beat and her organs were forming and growing fine we didn't mind. Our next big outing came which was St. Patrick's day. Tatiana was in Dublin for St. Patrick's day before but was never at the parade in the City Centre. My sisters boyfriend (now Fiancé wooo hooo) John had also previously worked every St. Patrick's day and cannot remember ever being at the parade before. Tatiana and myself made our own way in by bus. Siobhan and John followed suit and ended up getting a lift from our cousin Vincent Kelly. The place was rammed with crowds of people. Some climbed lamp posts while others were on high ladders or were hanging out of hotel windows and offices along O'Connell Street. The one fantastic thing was the weather for once was stunning. The sun was splitting the stones. As the floats went by and I could hear the noise of the percussion instruments, flutes, whistles, singing, dancing and the noises of the crowd and machinery going by (especially Irish elite force "The Irish Rangers"). I wondered what was going on with our baby in the womb. What sounds would they hear the most? Would they be frightened or would they be enjoying the sounds? Could they be fully awake or asleep/half asleep? Did they feel protected in Mummy's belly? I also thought at this moment of St. Patrick's Day 2017, this time next year we will know if it's a boy or a girl. They will be here in person and I discussed with Tatiana if the baby would be too young or old enough to bring to the parade. Another vision I had was to hold our baby on my shoulders so they could see the parade going by. But this was way into the future and not as a baby. These are thoughts and moments that I have and will never forget. Something i actually thought about at St. Patrick's day a year later. Very nice thoughts and emotional ones too. Ones I will talk about in future posts. After the parade we went to meet Johns brother so we decided we would go to one of our favourite places Misson Mexican Street Food on Lower Liffey Street for a burrito. Siobhan and John had never been before. It was delish as per usual. We then went to visit one of my favourite pubs in Dublin called (The Cobblestone) in Smithfield. Great pint as usual but I must admit the atmosphere was a little disappointing for a St. Patrick's day. Here John got a call from a friend who managed to get us tickets for an evening with Dublin Fire Brigade Pipe Band, who ended up playing alongside the Camden County Emerald Society Band. Which is a pipe band made up of fire officers from FDNY. To hear them playing alongside the Dublin Fire Brigade Band was unbelievable. The kind of thing that makes the hair stand on your neck. I was also happy our Brazilian friends got to hear and experience this. Then came April, a very important month in the year as it is my loves birthday and the long awaited 20 week scan 12th April 2016. This was a moment I couldn't wait for as the baby would be more formed and we would see more. I thought time was dragging and the day would never come. Again it was a wonderful experience, we could hear the heart beat a lot clearer and could make a lot more out on the screen then the previous scan. It was a perfect gift for Tatiana's birthday. It was here we also found out that we were expecting a baby girl. It was crazy because we were convinced that we were having a boy we had to change our mindset. We visualised in our minds life with a boy. I felt a little strange as I had it in my head it was a boy. It took a day or so to change our mindset but we quickly got used to the idea and absolutely fell in love knowing we were having a girl. The scan was incredible. In one of the scans Lorena was sucking her thumb which absolutely made our hearts melt. I was chuffed that our daughter had made such an effort to show us this. Something we weren't expecting to see and something which brought us so much joy. One of the images I can see every time I close my eyes. It was like it was a signal letting us know she was cool and enjoying hanging out in Mummys tummy. I said to myself Lorena is definitely our daughter and is a piece of both of us because it's something both Tatiana and myself would do as we are always smiling and messing whenever we take photos. During the month of April we also managed a trip to Hamburg to visit the family. Here we got to bond some more with Noah and we also got to meet the new addition to the family Jonathan. Again like our previous experiences with the Brazilian side of the family we throughly enjoyed the trip. I was honoured to both take and be in Jonathan's first ever selfie. It was here my love for Game of Thrones also began. Before we left for Hamburg Tatiana sat me down and got me to watch two episodes. This then continued when we got to Hamburg. We hung out with Tatiana's family and got a few episodes in especially with the weather being so bad outside. One min snow then rain. We thought best to sit it out watch some episodes, chat and sample some of Germany's finest beers. This was followed by a nice family meal out on our final day. We also got to see Aleksander and Sabrina's place. I was immediately very impressed by the layout of their apartment. Especially the kitchen which had a large chicken coupe light hanging over the kitchen table. In fact all of Tatiana's cousins places were really cool. They have their own individual taste and style. Difficult to pick a favourite. But with a push it would be Aleksander and Sabrina's place, I just loved the retro style and layout. My favourite moment of all this trip though was nursing Jonathan for a while and playing with Noah. It was nice for Tatiana and myself to get a bit of practice in before Lorena. Holding Jonathan for a moment made me realise....oh my god this is really happening. I'm going to be a father. The questions began to run through my mind. Would I be a good parent? Would I love my child? Would I be good support to my child? Would I be patient or a crank? Would I make the right decisions for their future? The answers to all of these questions would be answered quicker then I thought and will be covered on this blog in another post. The one thing that I did know was that Tatiana would be an excellent mother. The way she was around both Noah and Jonathan and the natural bond that she has with children is remarkable especially in the swimming pool where she is a swimming instructor and with my nieces and nephews. They all love her very very much. The bond she also has with her own niece Ana Laura in Brazil is also incredible. She gives off this Aura/wonderful loving and caring vibe. Tatiana has the patience of a saint especially with children. Something that she has thought me during our time together. It's something I'm not 100% good at yet but I have improved and am getting there. Lorena had her part to play also. Tatiana talking to Lorena before we left for our flight to Hamburg Jonathans first ever selfie Present given for Lorena Noah taking his own selfie!!!!! Summer was now upon us. May had arrived. The weather forecast was sun and heat. At last the good weather was here. We kicked it off with a lovely day in Clontarf sunbathing. Tatiana and myself went for the day to Sea Front and lay in the grass. Again another beautiful moment shared. Tatiana lifted her top to show Lorena what sitting in the sunshine felt like again as the last time was on a beach in Brazil. We could see Lorena moving around we knew she liked the sunshine and enjoyed the sun. Perhaps this is why Lorena liked "you are my sunshine" song so much especially the Reggae version. We had a such a glorious day. The place was packed with people sunbathing. Running, walking, playing football and walking their dogs. We even managed to get fish and chips (like our first date). We sat and dined in the sun. It was a magical day. This was then topped off with an ice cream before sun down. The following week Lorena got to experience her first Brazilian BBQ. This involves food being cooked and dished out throughout the day while listening to Samba, Samba Rock and Brazilian Funk. The weather was so good it would be rude not to. Then came my god daughter Catriona's confirmation. Another fine day was had. Catriona is an incredible girl. Bright as a button. Very loving and caring person. We have very fond memories discussing with her what Lorena will be like. Things she will be allowed do or not do. Catriona mentioned how excited she was and wanted to touch Tatiana's belly to feel Lorena moving which was so cute. That evening we also had a wonderful evening with Catriona's Father John and his fiancé Lupita. Two amazing people who have given us so much support. We had the most wonderful time and discussion about our lives so far, challenges/joys in parenting, the educational system, politics, history, cultures and music. I had a few drinks this night and the taxi ride home was entertaining with my amazing singing voice 🙈 Here it was my first and only festival of the festival season as mentioned previously I was taking time out. Rory Gallagher Tribute Festival held in Ballyshannon, Donegal. Without doubt one of my favourites. Underground Guitar legends such as Barry Barnes, Pat McManus, Tony Dowler and Johnny Gallagher to name a few, perform on the streets and main stages around playing all of the Legendary Rory Gallagher's Music. My best friends Philip and Scott decided to go to the festival and surprised me with a visit. This was incredible and made my festival. We had so much fun rocking it, sculling beers. I didn't make Glastonbury this time. Felt very strange watching it on the TV and not being there with the guys but it didn't feel right and I was happy enough stay at home with Mame and Baby Bump. Again like always Tati stayed away from Alcohol and watched what she was eating, as usual was putting the baby first. Right after the Rory Gallagher festival we received some dreadful news that my Aunt Eileen who was the back bone of the family was in a bad way and was not doing so good. It was here unfortunately we lost her. This was a massive blow to the family and shattered all our hearts. I prayed and prayed and prayed that she would make it but she didn't. What devastated me even more was the fact that she would never know Lorena or see her, well in this life anyhow.. We didn't tell everybody we knew it was a girl. I can remember sitting in the funeral home crying my eyes out thinking this. Aunt Eileen was a remarkable person who was highly involved in the church and community. She never forgot anybody's birthday, wedding, christening, Communion or confirmation. She was always there to help and support anyone in the family. She would have given her left arm for anyone in the family and she loved everyone dearly. I still have her last birthday card that she got me. I sat after Lornenas passing and read the card over and over and over which brought tears to my eyes. Still until this day sometimes I cannot believe she is gone. I miss her so much and I hope she is in heaven looking after Lorena. Strangely enough sometimes it gives me comfort that she has gone ahead of Lorena because she was probably waiting for her. No words here or anywhere can even come close to describe how amazing she was and how much she meant to me all my life and to Tatiana. Rest in Peace Aunty Eileen xxxxxxxxx 30th June Now it was time for Antenatal classes. This was something right from the start we both wanted to attend and took very seriously. Some people I spoke to said no need to go to these, that they were a waist of time but I strongly disagreed and to this day I still strongly disagree. I cannot stress enough the importance of it and can now confirm the importance of it. I have a very valid reason for this which will be referred to further on in my blog. In the classes the midwife covered important things such as exercises, diets, stretching, the role of the father and things that fathers can do to help. Again referring to back rubs and massages. Like the time previously mentioned Tatiana was laughing and looking at me suggesting I take note of this. As per usual I had a bit of scrap paper and I appeared to be the only one writing down everything. My writing is bad enough at times but it was extremely bad now as I was trying to write every word the midwife was saying. I didn't want to miss a hint, tip or recommendation. Then came the topics of natural birth versus C Section and pain relief. Out came the delivery charts where we were shown different types of pregnancies, deliveries and the point of no return when it comes to pain relief and assistance with pain relief. The faces in the room where worried anxious and rightly so knowing what was coming ahead. But not Tatiana...she had such a beautiful glowing smile on her face. As she always said during pregnancy, I'm enjoying the experience and whatever pain and discomfort it didn't matter. Me getting the practice in changing nappies 21st July my phone rang. It was my brother Niall and he was ringing to tell me some dreadful news. My friend and his brother in law Michael had passed away at 44 years of age. I was in total shock and just couldn't believe it. I still sometimes cannot believe what has happened. Michael lived in Melbourne, Australia. He was home living and working in Ireland unknown to me. Regretfully I never got to see him before he passed away. We had so many laughs over the years, especially when I used to stay in Newry, go to places in Carrickmacross and Dundalk along with the odd night in Dublin. Having pints and laughs in the local club the Foresters comes to mind. Michael was not only a greet character, he was an excellent pool player and had an incredible voice. He even entered many competitions and won them. I can recall sitting in the church seat at Michaels funeral not only devastated that he was gone but also devastated like at my aunts funeral that he would never meet Lorena. There's no way that I wound write this blog without including a piece about my great friend. You may be gone Michael but you will never be forgotten. Rest in Piece x Overall thankfully the pregnancy was good. I cannot express the amount of respect and love I have for Tatiana. Even when pregnant she always put the baby first. Not that I had doubts or disrespect for her but this was another time that it confirmed to me without a doubt that she is and always will be the one for me. We both agreed that as parents to be we would both become second and our child would be first always. Whenever I would ask her how she was feeling about being pregnant she always said she was enjoying the experience even through sickness and discomfort. All she cared about and asked for was a healthy baby. Thankfully her cravings weren't for coal (which I've heard can happen and is a bit weird), they were for mandarin oranges. One time Tati text me to see if I could get a mandarine for her. It was very late at the time and I was visiting my sister. Thankfully my sister had two which I brought back. This was one of the funny moments I can remember. Some other good moments During PregnancyAnother Brazilian BBQ Tatiana playing the music to and singing "You are my sunshine" Reggae version. Lorena used to move like crazy when she heard this Tatiana talking to Lorena in her belly before we left the house extremely early in the morning to catch our flight to Hamburg Pregnancy Stages19th January 2016 2nd February 2016 20th March 2016 starting to feel the movement 15th April 2016 21st April 2016 Getting some rays through the kitchen window 6th May 2016 18th May 2016 - Having a chat with Lorena 18th May 2016 30th May 2016 - Mammy covering her eyes for the surprise 4th June 2016 24th June 2016 - Night out wit the ladies 9th July 2016 19th July 2016 9th July 2016 16th July 2016 17th July 2016 - Lorena to the left Daddy to the right 19th July 2016 20th July 2016 - We were talking and singing to Lorena which used to cause plenty of movement 22nd July 2016 22nd July 2016 22nd July 2016 28th July 2016 - Trying on Maternity clothes for the hospital 28th July 2016 - Trying on Maternity clothes for the hospital 28th July 2016 - Trying on Maternity clothes for the hospital 28th July 2016 28th July 2016 28th July 2016 29th July 2016 - Little did we know Tatiana's last day in work 29th July 2016 - Luciana's birthday, Tatiana would go into labour the following night
Tatiana and myself have been together since July 2014. I am Irish and Tatiana is from Brazil. Since our first date we clicked straight away. Our first date was fish and chips in Howth. The receipt from our first date I kept as you will see below. We went to Beshoffs and then to Howth Summit to dine in the car where we had a fine view of our beautiful city Dublin, Ireland. Tatiana is a very kind, loving person who from day one has always supported me. Along with me, my family and friends we loved her from the first moment we met her. In October Tatiana's Aunty Maria along with her partner travelled from Hamburg, Germany for a few days. Her Aunt was so so sweet and kind. It was at this moment I learned what amazing family and background Tatiana came from. Not that I didn't know before but I just knew she was the one and perfect for me. Later in October I had hand surgery on my left hand. An injury that occurred a year previously to which I eventually managed the courage to go under general anaesthetic. Something which I feared a lot. It was here I told my siblings my wishes in case I didn't make it. Very dramatic and over the top I know. But at the time you would swear I was having open heart surgery. I can now tell the tale as I survived 😂. After the surgery it meant I was out of work for October and November. Tatiana and my siblings looked after me well during recovery time. Then in December came our first Christmas together spent in Ireland where we spent time with my family. It was an amazing Christmas as we celebrated both in Brazilian and Irish fashion. Christmas Eve was spent with our amazing friends from Brazil (Rodrigo, Juliana, Pricilla and Fernanda). We sat talking, eating Brazilian food and at midnight we held hands said a prayer and raised a toast to all our friends and families. An hour later my sisters boyfriend John collected us on his way home from the night shift in the pub. We then drove to Cavan from Dublin where we joined my family. Little did I know it would be my last Christmas in Lislea, the house I spent all christmases for the previous 36 years and where my father spent 77 of his christmases. The reason being my Aunt Eileen who was the back bone of the family passed away last June 2016. It was very sudden and fast. This is a loss I am still trying to process and as a result we will no longer be having our christmases in the family home where my father was reared as mentioned earlier. It was at this Christmas we discussed going to Brazil for Christmas the following year and we both agreed we would. The following few months were awesome as our relationship blossomed further. We had my birthday where we went out with friends, this was then followed by Tatiana's birthday where we went for a lovely meal to a Brazilian restaurant for Tatiana's birthday. It was here I decided to surprise Tati with birthday flights to Hamburg to see and meet the rest of her cousins who live there. Then came Easter and Hamburg time. What a trip this was. Her family were so welcoming and amazing. We had so much fun and laughter, along with many German beers. We also got to meet a new addition to the Brazilian family Noah. Noah was only a few weeks old at this stage. As soon as I saw Tati holding Noah I just knew she was a natural and I realised how much she loved children and also how much of a good mother she would be. Tatiana's family were so amazing and they welcomed me into the family with open arms. Something I will be forever thankful for. After Easter then came summer. My cousin Stephens wedding. This was our first outing with all of the cousins, aunts and uncles. We had so many laughs and so much fun. After the wedding we talked about finding our own place to live together. Tati thought this would never happen so after a trip to Glastonbury Festival with my amazing friends Tatiana and I decided to find our own place. We managed to find a lovely house with the help of my cousin where we met our lovely friends Thiago, Lu, Mari and Lucas. We all became one family and looked out for each other. It was great to both help and see the guys English improve and evolve. We also had many happy occasions together which included the odd Brazilian BBQ where friends called over and we drank and dined into the night, whilst dancing and listening to Brazilian music. Christmas then came upon us and we were on a plane to São Paulo via JFK New York. It was a very draining journey due to the time difference as we were going back in time to go forward, but we made it in one piece. On arrival we were met at the airport by Tatiana's mother, father and niece Ana Laura, where we met for the first time. Like my experience in Hamburg with Tati's family I was welcomed with open arms. Tati was so excited she wanted to drive her car home so I went alone with her Father in the other car. It was a surreal experience as we were both alone in the car on the way home. I had no Portuguese and Tatiana's father had no English. We still managed to communicate and have a conversation and a giggle. I knew at this point we would get along just fine. On the way to the house we stopped off at a bakery so I could try my first Coxhina in Brazil. A place that Tati always spoke about. I tried to enjoy it but I found it difficult as I was so tired from the long flight. The sudden difference in temperature also took a little time to get used to but I settled in very quickly. Before going to Brazil health check appointments were booked with local Doctors in Brazil by Tatiana which were standard check ups. These were more suitable for us as Tatiana felt more comfortable speaking with doctors in Portuguese. Little did we know it was at this moment that our lives would change forever. On the first day we went to do tests everything was fine and went well. One of the doctors wanted to complete a certain test however before he did anything he needed to know if Tatiana was pregnant or not because if pregnant when carrying out the test it could be fatal for the child. We agreed to have the test done. The following day we went back to collect the results. Tatiana handed me the envelope with the results and said joking "you open it". I was laughing and refused to saying no you open it. So when she did the first and only word in bold writing I could see and the one of very little Portuguese words I could understand stood out. It was the word "Positivo". I knew what that meant. I got such a shock that I started to laugh and I couldnt stop laughing. Tatiana said to me "stop laughing it's not funny". I replied I know I just can't believe it. I then said to Tatiana "I always said some day I would like a child or children and now someday has arrived". We both hugged each other and we were delighted. It was the best Christmas gift we could have ever asked for. We were informed by the doctor that we were 2 weeks into pregnancy. Going with tradition we decided to hold off for 6 weeks before telling people (other then family). Christmas Eve only Tatiana and I knew the good news. It was the best Christmas present we could have ever asked for. We were both so happy and so excited. Christmas Eve is a big deal in Brazil, bigger then Christmas Day. All the family get together, chat, eat food while the kids play. Atmosphere and food are incredible. I brought some Christmas cake from Ireland which they all tried and thought it tasted weird. Well I have to agree considering its summer time and 35oC outside, it's not something you'd really like to try. Pity I didn't bring Brussel Sprouts with me. Tatiana cannot stand the taste of them. I would have loved to see their faces. Anyhow when it gets to midnight everybody goes outside to view fireworks. We were at an awesome house up in the hills overlooking the massive City of São Paulo. The fire works were incredible. I even managed to sneak in a romantic kiss with Tati with my hands on her baby bump. Was a wonderful moment and a moment I will hold with me for life. So after the fireworks we all went back in. The presents were all left for the children under the tree. First the children open their presents from Papai Noel and then they are handed presents bought by cousins, aunts, uncles, grand parents etc. Very exciting atmosphere. Once all children's presents are complete the adults then exchange gifts. This is then followed by a Secret Santa type game where you start by pulling a name out of a hat. The winner picks a present, if they are not happy with it they can trade with the next person before they open theirs and run the risk that it is a worse present then the one already opened. It was great fun. Funnier because I won Tubberware and I have no Portuguese. I didn't trade because I reckoned Tatiana's mum might like the set hahahaha. We then sang Karaoke into the early hours. Amazing night, I loved every min especially knowing we were expecting Lorena. So it was on Christmas Day that we decided to let Tatiana's family know the great news. We wanted to give them the best Christmas surprise ever. We got the results from the pregnancy test, photocopied them, put them in three envelopes (all different colours) and handed them to Tatiana's Mother, Father and sister at the same time. They didn't have a clue what was in the envelope. They thought it maybe a voucher or flights. As they opened the envelopes at the same time they also were reading at the same time, then came the big cheer at the exact same time. We had a group hug, individual hugs, some tears and hand shakes. Then we dined together for Christmas Day dinner. We had a great day. I was playing with Ana Laura (Tatiana's niece) who got a pretend chef set. We were pretending we had a restaurant and Ana Laura would take the orders, it was so funny. That night we called home to Ireland I called my sisters and brother Niall to tell them the news. They were delighted. We decided to wait until we got home to Ireland to tell my parents in person. The following weekend we spent with Tatiana's grandparents and family in a place called Mococa. Mococa is a city located on the South East of São Paulo State. It would be considered as being in the countryside of São Paulo State. Tati's grandfather a remarkable man over 90 years of age. Goes to the store to get groceries and does the odd job around the house, which includes feeding the pet turtle Ringo who himself is over 100 years old. Tatiana's grandmother another remarkable person. Leader of the Local Umbanda practice/church. Umbanda is an Afro-Brazilian religion that blends African religions with Catholicism and Spiritism. As soon as we arrived Tatiana's grandmother knew she was pregnant before we could even say a single word. I couldn't believe that she already knew but it made our job easier when telling the family our good news. We had the most wonderful family get together. Like with the other members of Tatiana's family everybody welcomed me with open arms. Aunt (Titia) Andrea's cooking is amazing and is something that I've never forgotten. After dinner on one occasion I was asked to feed the leftovers from dinner to the turtle. It's a request or something I would never thought I would ever be asked to do. An Irish Man feeding his pet turtle, sounds very strange 😂🙈😂 The final week was spent with Tatiana's immediate family followed by a BBQ in her godparents house. It is a really really cool house. The interior has a really cool design. Some of the interior reminded of Cesar Manriques house in Lanzarote. At the rear which is outdoor and covered over there's a really cool stone oven with BBQ and outdoor fridge. I was very impressed by the collection of plates on the wall. One plate from every place Tatiana's godfather visited. I was very happy to present him with a plate from Ireland to put on the wall. It was here we had a lovely family meal and again told the family our wonderful news. Everyone was so happy and there was plenty of happy tears and laughter. Then came our time to return home to Ireland via New York. My cousin Cathal very kindly collected us at JFK and took us to visit the rest of my cousins in Stamford, Connecticut. Was a really cool experience and was wonderful to see some of the projects my cousins were working on. I was feeling very very proud to see this. I even got to see a mansion that was previously owned by Marilyn Monroe. I also got a chance to visit the famous pub 'Burns Tavern' where I met a few of the Irish Community living there. The beers were going down lovely. I could have stayed there all night but we unfortunately had to catch our flight back to Dublin, Ireland. We got to see a glimpse of Manhattan on the way to JFK which was also really really cool. On arrival back in Ireland we were collected at the airport by my sister Siobhan and her boyfriend and now Fiancé John. We were brought to my other sisters house for a good old Irish Fry. On arrival at the house we were greeted by my two nieces who had made a welcome home poster. We decided not to tell the children that we were expecting as we wanted to have all of my nieces and nephews together plus we wanted to inform my parents first. The following weekend we went to my parents for the weekend it was there we told them our wonderful news over breakfast. My parents although shocked were supportive from the beginning and pledged to support us all the way which was great. I think they were more shocked that I was going to be a father because they thought it would never happen as I was single for so so long hahahaha. The following weekend we had a family get together where we told all the nieces and nephews our news. They were all delighted. One of my nieces, her reaction was very funny. When we told her the news she said she was sweating and had to take a seat needing some water. We all couldn't stop laughing. I mean the girl has no filter and is absolutely hilarious. The same girl passed auditions and appeared on the Late Late toy show 2016.
I then got onto my best friend Philip told him the news and then sent a group message to the Lawler family on WhatsApp. A family that are very close to my heart and who I consider to be my second family. Mary Lawler the amazing mum of the family who we unfortunately lost to a battle with leukaemia. I think of her and talk to her sometimes. Missed but never forgotten xxxx IntroductionThe purpose of this blog is not to lecture anyone. There is no wrong or right answers. I just want to share my story and diary in the hope that it may inspire someone or help someone else through a loss or a difficult time. I feel that men don't talk enough and it's time we did. I am using this blog as part of my recovery process. If I can help or inspire just one person then my goal has been achieved.
I am by no means through the process. Things are all still quite raw for me as Lorena only passed away on the 19th August 2016. I have good days but some very very bad. What I mean by good days is I can have a normal day without being upset but the pain never goes away. I also would like people to perhaps share their story or their ideas, thoughts, methods in dealing with challenges or situations in the hope that it could help me and others |
ArchivesCategories |